I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the different kinds of men I admire.
Sometimes that admiration centers on pansexual or panromantic men. Sometimes it centers on pan-coded male characters. Sometimes it is the fictional man who seems completely straight but has an extraordinarily open, accepting, emotionally intimate way of relating to other people.
And sometimes the man I’m imagining is somewhere between those categories.
That’s where concepts such as pan-flexibility, demipansexuality, and panromanticism become interesting to me.
Not because everyone needs to fit neatly into one label, but because human attraction and human relationships can be complicated.
A straight man can still be remarkably open
One of the men I find particularly fascinating is the straight man who is completely comfortable supporting pansexual men, panromantic men, pan-coded men, and LGBTQ+ people generally.
He doesn’t need to understand every experience personally in order to respect it.
He might have a very traditionally masculine appearance.
He might enjoy sports, working with his hands, fitness, cars, fashion, or other traditionally masculine interests.
But emotionally, he’s different from the stereotype of the emotionally closed-off man.
He’s affectionate.
He’s supportive.
He’s comfortable with close male friendships.
He isn’t afraid to compliment another man.He doesn’t panic if somebody assumes he’s queer.
And he doesn’t believe that supporting LGBTQ+ people somehow makes him less straight or less masculine.
To me, that is a beautiful form of masculinity.
Pan-flexibility can complicate the picture
Some men may identify as straight while acknowledging that their attraction doesn’t always fit perfectly into a rigid heterosexual box.
Others may prefer labels such as bisexual, pansexual, queer, or panromantic.
The important thing is that the man gets to choose the label that describes him.
That’s especially important when discussing “pan-coded” people.
Someone can give off what I personally interpret as panromantic or pansexual energy without actually being pansexual or panromantic.
Coding isn’t confirmation.It’s a perception.
And that’s perfectly okay as long as I remember the difference.
What about demipansexual men?Demipansexuality is especially interesting because it adds another dimension to attraction.
A demipansexual man may be capable of attraction toward people regardless of gender while generally needing a significant emotional connection before sexual attraction develops.
That creates a very different experience from simply saying, “I’m attracted to everyone.”
It emphasizes connection before sexual attraction.
Trust.
Emotional intimacy.
Understanding.
Safety.
Those qualities matter enormously to me.
They also challenge the stereotype that men are supposed to experience sexuality immediately, constantly, and without emotional complexity.
Men can experience attraction differently.
Men can need emotional connection.
Men can be deeply affectionate.And none of that makes them less masculine.
Panromantic men deserve visibility too
Romantic attraction and sexual attraction aren’t necessarily identical.
A man can be panromantic without being pansexual.
He can fall in love with people regardless of gender while experiencing sexual attraction differently.
I think this distinction deserves much more attention.
Romance is about things like affection, emotional intimacy, companionship, tenderness, and falling in love.
Those experiences shouldn’t automatically be reduced to sexuality.
That’s one reason panromantic male characters fascinate me so much.
They allow stories to explore male emotional intimacy in ways that aren’t always represented.
Supporting pansexual and panromantic trans men
I also think it’s important to include pansexual and panromantic trans men in these conversations.
A trans man doesn’t become less of a man because he’s pansexual, panromantic, bisexual, queer, or anything else.
His gender identity and his orientation are different parts of who he is.
And a straight man can support him.
A pansexual man can support him.
A panromantic man can support him.
Another trans man can support him.
Friendship and solidarity don’t require everyone to share the same identity.
Sometimes support simply means saying:
“I believe you. I respect you. You deserve to be treated like yourself.”
The kind of masculinity I want to see
Ultimately, I keep coming back to one idea:
Masculinity doesn’t have to be rigid to be masculine.
A man can be strong and gentle.
He can be protective without becoming controlling.
He can be confident without humiliating anyone.
He can love his male friends.He can support LGBTQ+ people.
He can be heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, panromantic, demipansexual, pan-flexible, or something else entirely.And he can still be himself.
That’s the kind of masculinity I admire.
Not masculinity that disappears.
Not masculinity that has to apologize for itself.
But masculinity that becomes spacious enough for other people to breathe.
Maybe that’s why I continue to be fascinated by panromantic men, pansexual men, pan-coded men, and the fictional men who seem to embody those qualities.
I’m not simply fascinated by labels.
I’m fascinated by possibility.
The possibility that men can be emotionally close without being ashamed.
The possibility that masculinity can be protective without being frightening.
The possibility that attraction doesn’t have to create hostility.
And the possibility that a man can look at another man and simply see another human being worthy of friendship, affection, respect, and love. That’s the kind of world—and the kind of masculinity—I want to keep writing about.
The Regulation Journal 