The Regulation Journal

When I think about writing pan-flexible men, I don’t only think about attraction.

I think about everything that happens around attraction.

I think about friendship. Brotherhood. Romance. Family. Vulnerability. Trust. Admiration. Loneliness. Affection. The desire to be understood. The desire to be close to someone without necessarily knowing exactly what that closeness is supposed to look like.

That is one of the reasons I find pan-flexible male characters so interesting.

There is so much room to explore.

A pan-flexible man can have a complicated emotional life without his entire story revolving around his sexuality. He can fall in love, develop a crush, admire someone deeply, form an intense friendship, find a brother figure, become a father, build a career, experience heartbreak, and still be figuring himself out.

The label doesn’t tell us everything.

The person does.

Attraction Isn’t the Whole Story

Sometimes conversations about sexuality become so focused on who someone is attracted to that we forget to ask another important question:

How does this person experience relationships?

Two people can use similar labels while having completely different emotional lives.

One pan-flexible man might be highly romantic and dream about having a lifelong partner.

Another might be more cautious about romance but deeply value friendship and companionship.

One might develop romantic feelings easily.

Another might need a great deal of emotional trust before romantic feelings become clear.

Someone else might experience sexual attraction differently from romantic attraction.

And another man might still be questioning everything.

None of these possibilities makes one person more or less legitimate.

People are complicated.

That’s what makes them interesting to write.

Brotherhood Can Be Part of the Story

One of the relationships I especially want to explore in my fiction is brotherhood.

Not necessarily biological brotherhood.

Sometimes a person can become important to us because of the way they treat us.

An older friend can become a mentor.

A coworker can become someone we trust.

A provider, teacher, coach, or neighbor can become an important source of guidance.

A close friend can eventually feel like family.

For some men, having another man they can talk to honestly can be incredibly meaningful.

And I want to write about that without automatically turning every emotionally close relationship between men into a romantic or sexual relationship.

Men can love one another as friends.

Men can admire one another.

Men can protect one another.

Men can encourage one another.

Men can call each other brothers.

And none of that needs to erase masculinity.

The Man Who Doesn’t Have Everything Figured Out

I also want to make room for the questioning man.

Maybe he thinks he might be pansexual.

Maybe he thinks he might be panromantic.

Maybe he is almost certain but still doesn’t feel ready to choose a permanent label.

Maybe “pan-flexible” feels more comfortable because it gives him room to describe his experience without pretending that he understands every part of himself.

Maybe he changes how he describes himself over time.

That’s okay.

A character doesn’t need to begin a novel with a perfectly organized identity.

In fact, sometimes the uncertainty is the story.

The important thing is not to treat questioning as something that makes a person incomplete.

A person can be whole while still learning about himself.

What About the Pan-Coded Man?

There is another character I want to leave room for: the man who is perceived as pan-coded.

He might have a personality that readers interpret as open, fluid, affectionate, emotionally expressive, or unconcerned with traditional expectations about masculinity.

Readers might see “pan energy” in him.

But interpretation isn’t the same thing as identity.

A fictional character can be written so that readers wonder about his sexuality without the author ever explicitly confirming it.

And a straight character can have qualities that some readers interpret as pan-coded.

That’s part of the freedom of fiction.

Readers bring their own interpretations to characters.

The important distinction is remembering that coding is not proof of someone’s orientation.

Gentle Masculinity Has a Place Here

I don’t want every male character I write to fit the stereotype of the emotionally distant man who never cries, never needs anyone, and solves every problem by himself.

There is room for another kind of masculinity.

A man can be strong and gentle.

He can be protective without being controlling.

He can be confident without dominating everyone around him.

He can be masculine and affectionate.

He can enjoy physical affection from people he trusts.

He can admit that he is scared.

He can ask for help.

He can tell another man, “I love you,” without that statement automatically needing to become romantic or sexual.

He can be vulnerable without believing that vulnerability makes him weak.

And he can still be himself.

That’s the kind of emotional freedom I want to explore.

Five Men, Five Stories

This is becoming especially important to me because I don’t want to write only one pan-flexible male character.

I want to write several.

Perhaps five.

Five men who don’t have identical personalities.

Five men with different backgrounds.

Five men with different careers.

Five men with different approaches to relationships.

Five men who understand their identities differently.

One might be openly pan-flexible.

Another might describe himself as panromantic.

Another might be pansexual.

Another might be questioning.

Another might never use a particular label at all while still having experiences that make readers wonder about his attraction.

Some might be gentle.

Some might be reserved.

Some might be outgoing.

Some might be funny.

Some might be serious.

Some might have children.

Some might be brothers.

Some might be mentors.

Some might be athletes, mechanics, chefs, musicians, teachers, models, construction workers, maintenance workers, or something completely different.

Their lives don’t have to revolve around sexuality.

Their sexuality can simply be one thread woven into much larger stories.

I Want My Characters to Feel Like People

That’s probably the simplest way I can explain what I’m trying to accomplish.

I don’t want to create characters who feel like walking definitions.

I want readers to meet a man.

Then learn his name.

Learn what makes him laugh.

Learn what makes him nervous.

Learn who he trusts.

Learn what kind of music he likes.

Learn what he wants from life.

Learn what relationships mean to him.

Learn how he handles affection.

Learn what masculinity means to him.

And eventually, perhaps, learn something about his sexuality.

The label can be part of the character.

But it shouldn’t have to be the entire character.

There Is Freedom in Not Having All the Answers

Maybe that’s ultimately what draws me toward pan-flexible characters.

There is room for nuance.

There is room for uncertainty.

There is room for someone to say:

“This is how I understand myself right now.”

And that’s enough.

People don’t always understand themselves all at once.

Sometimes identity becomes clearer through relationships, experiences, reflection, and simply growing older.

Fiction can make room for that process.

It can allow a character to ask questions without immediately forcing an answer.

And it can remind readers that there is nothing wrong with being complicated.

The Stories I Want to Tell

As I continue developing The Pan-curious Journey, I want to explore men who live beyond simple categories.

Men who love.

Men who wonder.

Men who question.

Men who admire.

Men who form friendships that become family.

Men who experience attraction in different ways.

Men who are comfortable with themselves.

Men who are still learning.

Men who are perceived one way by other people but understand themselves differently.

And men who simply want permission to be human.

That’s the kind of pan-flexible representation I want to create.

Not a perfect definition.

Not a stereotype.

Not a checklist.

A person.

Because behind every label, every interpretation, every question, and every possibility is a human being trying to understand himself and find a place where he belongs.

And perhaps that’s where The Pan-curious Journey really begins.

Not with a label.

With a life.