The Regulation Journal

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I love to write and keep myself very busy doing it. I really love to surround myself with emotionally, financially, and mentally mature older people who are very experienced and can guide me. I love big brother figure and energy. I’ve had way too many big/elder brother and/ or father figures in my life….. more than I can think and count and honestly…. I love that!

  • The Men I Notice, and Why I Notice Them

    There are men who pass through my life unnoticed, and then there are men who stay with me long after they’re gone — not because of what they did, but because of how they felt to be around.

    For a long time, I thought this was random. Chemistry without explanation. A kind of pull I couldn’t name. Only later did I realize that what I was responding to wasn’t attraction in the way people usually mean it — it was safety, openness, and emotional presence.

    I’ve always noticed men who are comfortable with closeness but not driven by it. Men who don’t rush intimacy or turn every connection into a test of dominance. Men who can be warm without being overwhelming, affectionate without being possessive.

    Sometimes those men are panromantic or demi-oriented. Sometimes they’re pansexual but clearly lead with emotional connection rather than sexual urgency. And sometimes — this part matters — they’re very straight.

    Some of the most grounding men I’ve ever known were straight men who were deeply open-minded. Men who didn’t flinch at vulnerability. Men who could express care, loyalty, and brotherhood without feeling the need to “no-homo” their way out of it. Men who could sit in closeness without panic.

    What I’ve learned is that orientation and relational style are not the same thing.

    Panromantic and demi-panromantic men often feel familiar to me because they move slowly, intentionally, and relationally. But I’ve also found that some straight men — especially those who are emotionally secure — share that same energy. They don’t sexualize every interaction. They don’t treat affection as dangerous. They understand that connection can exist for its own sake.Looking back, I realize I’ve crossed paths with men like this more than once. At the time, I didn’t know why they mattered to me. I just knew I felt calmer around them. More myself. Less guarded.Now I understand: I wasn’t looking for labels.

    I was looking for a way of being.And once I saw that, I stopped questioning my instincts and started trusting them.

  • Masculinity as Safety, Not Threat

    For a long time, I thought my relationship with masculinity was broken.

    I had been taught—implicitly and explicitly—that masculinity was something loud, forceful, and volatile. Something that demanded space rather than shared it. Something that dominated rather than listened. My nervous system learned early that being around men required vigilance, not relaxation.

    And yet, despite all of that, my attraction to men never disappeared.

    It changed.Instead of being drawn to men who performed masculinity loudly, I found myself noticing men who carried it quietly. Men who felt settled in themselves. Men who didn’t posture. Men who were competent without being intimidating, confident without being careless, present without being invasive.

    This attraction wasn’t about fantasy or conquest. It wasn’t even primarily sexual. It was about safety.

    My body learned to recognize safety before my mind could articulate it. I would feel it in small, almost unnoticeable moments: a steady handshake, a calm voice, a relaxed posture, a man who didn’t rush closeness or recoil from it. Men who could stand near other men without turning intimacy into competition.

    These moments mattered more to me than grand gestures ever could.

    Touch, for me, exists on a spectrum. A handshake can feel intimate. A knuckle tap can feel affirming. A brief hand on the shoulder can communicate more care than words. These gestures don’t ask anything of me. They don’t escalate. They don’t demand interpretation.

    Hugs are different. I approach them carefully. I don’t dislike them—but my body needs time, trust, and context. When I do allow one, it is intentional. It is chosen. It is never automatic.

    This is where people often misunderstand my attraction to men.They assume attraction must escalate. That noticing leads to wanting, wanting leads to action, and action leads to identity. But my experience doesn’t follow that linear path. I can feel attraction and still choose boundaries without conflict. I can admire men deeply without wanting to cross lines that don’t feel right for me.What I’m drawn to is masculinity that does not threaten my autonomy.

    Men who are emotionally expressive without being overwhelming. Men who are affectionate without being possessive. Men who understand closeness as something mutual rather than something taken.

    This is why I resonate so strongly with men who are panromantic, demipanromantic, or demisexual in orientation—or at the very least, pan-coded in how they move through the world. Their approach to attraction mirrors my own: relational, intentional, grounded.Masculinity, when it is safe, doesn’t feel like something I have to survive.

    It feels like something I can stand beside.And that realization changed everything.

  • Why I Feel I’d Get Along With Biracial Men—and What That Reveals About Safety, Identity, and Connection

    For a long time, I hesitated to talk openly about my attraction patterns. Not because I didn’t understand them, but because I feared they would be misunderstood. In conversations about attraction, nuance is often lost. People rush to label curiosity as fetishization or reflection as projection. But understanding oneself requires honesty, not silence.

    I’ve noticed that I often feel an immediate sense of ease around biracial men—particularly those who carry themselves with a blend of masculinity and emotional openness. This observation isn’t rooted in celebrity culture or surface-level aesthetics. It’s rooted in how my nervous system responds to certain qualities: steadiness, empathy, and emotional intelligence.

    Biracial individuals frequently grow up navigating multiple identities at once. This experience can foster adaptability, awareness, and a capacity to hold complexity without judgment. When someone learns early how to move between worlds, they often develop a sensitivity to nuance—an ability to listen rather than dominate, to observe rather than assume.

    These qualities matter deeply to me because of my own history. I’ve lived with trauma, fear, and confusion around masculinity. My body has learned to scan for danger in male presence. As a result, attraction for me isn’t primarily about desire—it’s about safety.

    I find myself drawn to men who express masculinity without aggression. Men who don’t rely on intimidation or control to feel secure. Men who are calm under pressure, emotionally present, and respectful of boundaries. This kind of masculinity doesn’t feel performative—it feels grounded.

    There is also something meaningful about being drawn to people who understand “in-between” spaces. Biracial identity often exists outside rigid categories. So does trauma recovery. So does queerness. So does emotional growth. Shared understanding creates connection.

    This attraction isn’t about wanting someone “different” or exotic. It’s about recognizing patterns of emotional safety. It’s about noticing who allows me to stay regulated instead of bracing for harm.Understanding this preference has helped me make healthier choices. It has shifted my focus away from intensity and toward consistency. Away from chaos and toward calm. Naming what I’m drawn to has given me clarity—not limitation.Attraction, when examined honestly, becomes a map. And mine points toward safety, respect, and emotional presence.

  • The Man Who Disappeared: Grief, Scarcity, and the Myth That You Only Meet One Safe Man

    There was a man once—a 42-year-old pansexual, bisexual, homoflexible presence on a dating app—who disappeared without explanation. No dramatic ending. No goodbye. Just absence.

    At first, I felt foolish for missing him. After all, we hadn’t dated. We hadn’t built a future. We hadn’t even met. But the grief lingered, and I had to ask myself why.

    The answer surprised me.

    I didn’t miss him as a person. I missed what he represented.

    He represented proof.

    Proof that men could be calm. Proof that masculinity didn’t have to feel dangerous. Proof that emotional openness in men wasn’t theoretical—it existed.

    When his profile disappeared, my mind tried to turn that loss into a story of scarcity. “That was your chance.” “You won’t meet another.” “Men like that are rare.” Trauma loves scarcity narratives because they keep us hypervigilant.

    But scarcity is a lie trauma tells to maintain control.

    The truth is that dating apps are revolving doors. People come and go constantly. Profiles disappear not because the people vanish from the world, but because life shifts. Overwhelm happens. Breaks are taken.

    He was not the only man like himself. He was the first one I noticed.

    This distinction matters. Because when we believe safety is rare, we cling. We grieve disproportionately. We fear loss before connection has even formed. Healing means challenging the idea that warmth is limited.

    There are many men who carry gentle, pan-coded, emotionally open energy. They exist in queer spaces, creative communities, therapeutic settings, bookstores, coffee shops, writing circles, and everyday life. The more regulated you become, the easier it is to notice them.

    I no longer see his disappearance as abandonment. I see it as an introduction. He showed me what was possible. And once you’ve seen something is possible, you cannot unsee it.

    There will be more. Not replacements. Continuations.

    Safety is not a single encounter. It is a pattern you learn to recognize.

    And I am learning.

  • Why Final Destination 3 Is the Most Terrifying Film in the Franchise

    Most people argue about which Final Destination movie is the scariest, but Final Destination 3 stands apart for one reason: it takes away the illusion of choice.

    Airplanes are dangerous — we know that.

    Highways are risky — we accept that.

    Bridges under construction? Obvious warning signs.

    But roller coasters exist in a psychological blind spot. They’re designed to feel safe. They’re marketed as controlled danger — thrill without consequence. FD3 destroys that illusion, and once it’s gone, it never fully comes back.

    The roller coaster premonition isn’t terrifying because of gore. It’s terrifying because it exposes system failure. When a roller coaster fails, no individual survival strategy matters. You can’t out-think it. You can’t outrun it. You can’t negotiate with physics.

    That’s a different kind of horror — one rooted in inevitability.

    What makes this even more disturbing is the setting. An amusement park represents childhood, joy, and trust. Turning that environment into a mass-casualty event feels like a betrayal, not just of the characters, but of the audience’s assumptions about safety.

    Learning that real-world amusement park fatalities have occurred only deepens this discomfort. Fiction becomes uncomfortably plausible. The question stops being “Could this happen?” and becomes “What other places do we assume are safe without question?”

    The franchise repeatedly uses visionaries — people who see disaster coming but are dismissed or powerless. This theme resonates strongly with trauma survivors, who often recognize danger long before others do but lack the authority or support to stop it.

    In FD3, the terror isn’t just death — it’s being right too early.

    This is why the film lingers. It doesn’t just scare; it destabilizes. It asks the viewer to confront how much of safety is faith, routine, and trust in systems we don’t control.

    And once you see that, the ride never feels the same again.

  • Title: I Am Not Asking for Special Treatment—I’m Asking for Fairness

    I want to be very clear about what I am asking for.

    I am not asking to avoid work. I am not asking for constant preference. I am not asking to be treated better than others.

    I am asking for fairness.

    Fairness looks like rotation when rotation exists. Fairness looks like honoring accommodations without debate. Fairness looks like not assigning the same person to the same high-strain tasks every single shift.

    What’s frustrating is how often advocacy is reframed as attitude. When workers speak up about repeated unfairness, they are labeled emotional, difficult, or uncooperative.

    But silence is not cooperation—it’s survival.

    This post is for anyone who has been told to “calm down” instead of being listened to. For anyone whose needs were acknowledged and then ignored. And for anyone who knows, deep down, that something is wrong but keeps being told it’s normal.

    It isn’t.

  • Choosing Brotherhood: Honoring What Was Lost Without Shame

    Brotherhood is often treated as something you either have or don’t. But for many of us, it’s something we had—and lost.

    When brothers are taken away, the loss isn’t just personal. It’s structural. It changes how safety feels. How trust forms. How connection is experienced.

    I’m drawn to stories of eldest brothers because they represent steadiness. They represent someone who stays. Someone who protects without asking for anything in return.

    This admiration isn’t about idealizing people. It’s about recognizing what healthy masculinity can look like.

    Choosing brotherhood means allowing yourself to learn from those models. It means grieving honestly. It means letting longing exist without turning it into shame.Healing doesn’t require erasing desire for connection.It requires understanding it.

  • What Writers Don’t Talk About: The Emotional Weight of Waiting for an Agent

    The publishing journey is often described in practical terms—queries, word counts, submission guidelines, response times. What’s talked about far less is the emotional weight of waiting once you’ve done everything “right.”

    I’m currently in that space.

    An agent has my pages. Another has my query. And suddenly, the quiet between emails feels louder than any rejection ever could.

    What I didn’t realize before this stage is how deeply waiting can activate old patterns. For writers with trauma histories, anxiety, or sensitivity to evaluation, waiting isn’t neutral. It’s charged. It brings up questions of worth, safety, and belonging that have nothing to do with publishing—and everything to do with lived experience.

    Agents, however, are not evaluating your emotional stability. They are evaluating your manuscript.

    This distinction has been essential for me to understand.

    Literary agents expect authors to be human. They know writers are invested. They know writers worry. What they don’t want is emotional labor directed at them—constant reassurance-seeking, repeated emails, apologies for existing. Quiet anxiety is not visible to them. Spiraling internally doesn’t register as unprofessional unless it spills outward.

    Understanding this has helped me regulate.

    Instead of freezing while I wait, I’ve committed to continuing my creative work. I’m writing new material. I’m drafting reflective blog posts. I’m planning future projects—not because I’m giving up on this one, but because I’m refusing to let my entire identity hinge on a single outcome.

    Waiting can trick you into thinking everything is on hold. It isn’t.

    Your writing life doesn’t pause just because someone else is reading.

    I’ve also had to practice containment. That means: checking email at set timesnot rereading sent messages obsessivelyreminding myself that silence often means “not yet,” not “no”grounding myself in routineAgents don’t expect authors to chase them. They expect patience. And patience isn’t passive—it’s active regulation.

    One thing I keep reminding myself: if an agent didn’t see potential, they wouldn’t have asked for pages. That invitation itself is a milestone. It’s evidence that my work reached someone.

    So now I wait—not empty-handed, but writing.

    This phase isn’t about proving my worth. It’s about sustaining myself.

    And whatever the response, I’ll meet it as a writer who didn’t abandon himself in the meantime.

  • Why Taking Action for My Own Safety Still Scares Me

    Most people don’t understand what it feels like to hesitate before making a simple phone call — not because of the call itself, but because of what might happen if someone at home finds out.

    When you grow up being punished, shamed, or guilted for speaking your truth… When your parents swing between toxic and loving depending on what benefits them… When you’ve been told you “hurt” them simply by telling someone how they treated you…you learn to move quietly.

    You learn to think twice before asking for help. You learn to feel scared even when you’re doing something reasonable and responsible.

    Like protecting your own mail.

    My parents still open my mail without permission. It makes me feel exposed, watched, and powerless — so I got a PO Box. But even taking that step comes with fear. Fear that they’ll ask, “Who have you been talking to?” Fear that they’ll twist the situation. Fear that they’ll punish me emotionally for trying to protect myself.

    But this is the truth I’m holding onto:

    I deserve safety. I deserve confidentiality. I deserve to take action without fear. I may not have all the answers yet, but I’m building a new path — one that belongs to me.

    If you’re in a similar situation:

    You’re not wrong.

    You’re not overreacting.

    And you’re not alone.

  • Navigating the Anxiety of Sending My Pages to a Literary Agent

    Waiting is the hardest part.

    This week, I reached a major milestone in my writing journey: a literary agent requested the first 50 pages of my novel, Letters to My Imaginary Brother. What should feel like pure excitement has stirred up a complicated mix of emotions—hope, fear, pride, and anxiety all rolled into one.

    On one hand, I know this is something big.Not every writer receives a request for pages. Agents are selective. They read hundreds—sometimes thousands—of queries a year. And something in my story was strong enough for this agent to say, “Send me more.”

    But on the other hand, the waiting is overwhelming.I keep thinking:

    Did I format everything correctly?

    Will she like the opening chapters?Did I send it in the right file format?

    Should I have chosen Google Drive sooner?Is 56 pages okay instead of exactly 50?

    These are the kinds of questions that keep repeating themselves in my head.

    Anxiety has a way of turning even good news into something stressful. It whispers worst-case scenarios and convinces you that a small mistake could ruin everything. But deep down, I know that’s not true. Agents aren’t looking for perfection. They’re looking for connection, voice, and heart.

    And my novel has heart.

    A lot of it.

    So today, I’m trying to sit with the anxiety instead of fighting it. I’m trying to remind myself:

    📌 This is a step forward.

    📌 This is progress.

    📌 This is proof that my story has potential.

    📌And no matter what happens, I’m proud that I tried.

    If she requests the full manuscript, I’ll share that moment.If she sends feedback, I’ll share that too.This journey isn’t easy, but it’s real—and I’m living it one page at a time.