The Regulation Journal

For a long time, I told myself a very simple story:

“I like older men.”

It felt clean. It felt easy. It gave me something to point to when my emotions got confusing, intense, or honestly… overwhelming.But the truth?

It’s not that simple.

Not even close.

Because when I really sit with it—when I actually slow down and ask myself what I want—I don’t picture some dramatic relationship or some over-the-top romantic scenario.

I picture something smaller.

Quieter.

Safer.

I picture a side hug.

Not a full hug. Not anything intense. Just that quick, grounded, “you’re okay” kind of hug. The kind that doesn’t demand anything but still says everything.

And that’s when I started realizing something that completely changed how I see myself.

Maybe I’m not chasing older men.Maybe I’m chasing calm.

The Energy I Can’t Ignore

There’s a certain type of man I keep noticing.

He’s usually older—maybe 6, 10, sometimes even 15 years older than me. He’s not loud. He’s not chaotic. He doesn’t react to everything like it’s an emergency.

He’s steady.

He listens.

He doesn’t rush.

He doesn’t make me feel like I’m too much.And for someone like me—someone who gets overwhelmed, who overthinks, who constantly worries about saying the wrong thing—that kind of energy doesn’t just feel nice.It feels necessary.

Like my nervous system finally gets a break.

When Admiration, Safety, and Attraction Get Mixed Together

Here’s where it gets complicated

Because yes—sometimes I do find them attractive.

I notice their face. Their presence. The way they carry themselves. Sometimes I even think, “yeah… he’s actually really attractive.”

But at the exact same time, I’m also thinking:

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I hope I don’t mess this up.”

“I just want to feel okay around you.”

That’s not just attraction.

That’s something deeper.

It’s admiration.

It’s safety.

It’s emotional relief.

All mixed together into one feeling that’s hard to label.

And honestly? That’s where I used to get stuck.

Because I thought I had to pick one.

The Jealousy I Didn’t Want to Admit

There’s another part of this that’s harder to say out loud.

I get jealous.

Not in a small, passing way—but in a way that actually hits me.

When I see someone I admire:talking to someone I don’t get along withgetting marriedhaving kidsbuilding a life that I’m not part of

Something in me reacts.

And the first thought isn’t always logical.It’s emotional.

It’s:

“Why not me?”

But when I really break that down, what I’m actually feeling isn’t:

“I want to replace their partner.”

It’s:

“I want to feel chosen. I want to feel safe with someone like that.”

That’s a completely different thing.

Why Labels Help… But Don’t Solve Everything

I’ll be honest—I do like labels.

Pansexual. Panromantic. Pan-flexible. Pandemisexual.

Those words feel like they give shape to something that used to feel confusing.

And I do know this about myself:

I’m drawn to people—especially men—who are:

emotionally aware

open-minded

calm

not aggressive

not overly sexual or overwhelming

That’s why I even find myself respecting men who are asexual or panromantic. There’s something about that emotional focus—without pressure—that feels safer to me.

But even with labels, there’s still something deeper underneath all of it.

Something more human.

The Part I Had to Be Honest About

This is the part that took me the longest to admit.

A lot of what I’m feeling comes down to this:

I want to feel safe around men.

Not judged.

Not overwhelmed.

Not like I’m doing something wrong just by existing.

Safe.

And when you’ve had experiences where that safety wasn’t consistent—whether in family, school, or life in general—you don’t just forget that.

Your brain keeps looking for it.

Sometimes in places where it can’t fully exist.

Like teachers.

Doctors.

Mentors.

People who feel safe—but can’t be that kind of connection.

And that’s where the confusion comes in.

So Where Does That Leave Me?

Honestly?

Still figuring it out.

But in a much clearer way than before.I don’t need to force myself into one label.

I don’t need to panic every time I feel something strong.

I don’t need to assume every connection means something romantic.

What I can do is recognize the pattern:

I’m drawn to calm.I’m drawn to safety.

I’m drawn to emotional steadiness.

And maybe that’s not something to fix.

Maybe that’s something to understand—and eventually build into my life in a healthy, real way.

Final Thought

Maybe the goal isn’t to stop feeling these things.

Maybe the goal is to understand them enough that they don’t control me.

Because at the end of the day, I don’t think I’m just looking for older men

.I think I’m looking for something much simpler.

Something human.

Something a lot of us are still trying to find.

A place—and a person—where I can finally feel calm.